Dear Applicant: A Tribute
Thank you for your interest in our company. However, we have found a candidate with qualifications that are better suited for the position. This candidate was not necessarily better than you. We have simply deemed his or her experience more appropriate. So, even though they have obviously made a better impression on us, this is not something that you should take personally.
We will be keeping your resume on file for a period of one year and, if a similar position should become available, you will be notified. You should realize that since you have already been rejected once by this company, you will, in all likelihood be rejected again. So at least will you not have to go through the three phases of interviews that we dragged out over a period of five weeks, nor fill out our comprehensive, fourteen-page employment application, nor risk your current job (assuming you have one) with the numerous phone calls this office placed to you during the above process, nor take the risk that, even though you may have asked us not to contact your current employer as a reference, little mistakes like that sometimes do happen.
So, we would like to wish you the best of luck in your job search and putting up with the demeaning and often humiliating process of finding a job if you are currently unemployed or having to go back to your demeaning and often humiliating current job that you are desperately trying to leave. We truly understand how this may feel since either: (a) the person whose position you applied for was fired or laid off and is now trying their best to maintain their self respect as they grovel for new job, their standards for what they are willing to accept lowering each week as their savings account dwindles and their level of desperation mounts; or (b) the person whose position you applied for grew tired of the demeaning and often humiliating position they were in at this company and left to go to a new job or to simply dedicate all their efforts to finding one. And even though we would never admit it openly, we have been in similar positions ourselves and, at this moment, may even be exchanging covert messages with recruiters and potential employers to see if there is a chance that we may be able to better our quality of life and improve our future prospects.
Please feel free to contact this office if you have any further questions. However, you should realize that since we are no longer in the process of recruiting you into our esteemed company with henceforth be dealing with you with an entirely different mindset, you should probably not expect to receive the gratuitous courtesy you have grown used to or even to have your phone calls returned.
Corporate Human Resources